giving grace to who you were
We are multiple people over the course of our lives.
People are always in flux, always in motion, always changing, and that's a beautiful thing. At any point, we can look back and see those different phases, maybe rediscover things that we loved then and can love now.
I understand that better than most.
First. I sustained a brain injury in 2019 and was catatonic for months, so coming back from that, I found myself to be a very different person than I was. Before that, I always prided myself on my memory, I could retain little details so easily and now, I have to have reminders and alarms on my phone for almost everything. My long term memory is somewhat okay, but my short term is pretty shot.
So I adapted, put things in place to help me remember, and I kept going. I studied health care and IT, I was all set to get a job working with vocal synthesis for an accessibility company. The location was great, the commute was easy, it was all ready to go.
Them late 2022 happened.
I'd been fighting for a diagnosis of ocular albinism for years, to get myself more help and just to have the validation. My sister was already diagnosed and we had the same symptoms, so it wasn't out of nowhere. November 2022, I finally got that diagnosis and I was both relieved and exhausted at the same time. I was in therapy at the time, so I worked with them about it and I was feeling great by December.
The week of Christmas, I got COVID. Bad. I had to have an at-home visit from a doctor because I couldn't keep water down without hacking it up, my throat was so swollen. I couldn't eat, couldn't drink, and while anti-inflammatory meds helped, it was a long recovery.
Then in January 2023, I got walking pneumonia. Caught entirely by accident because I'd gone there for a panic attack which had felt like heart issues. They'd done an x-ray of my chest and saw it. I was put on medications to help, and sent on my way. I thought it cleared up, doctors agreed, and then I started getting repeated chest infections.
The COVID and pneumonia in such quick succession had caused some damage and made me more susceptible, but with the right meds, it cleared up.
I'd survived it, I was proud of myself and so relieved, I thought things were finally back to normal.
I went back to college, walking miles to and from every day, handling full days there and managing my own home after, but in late February, I started slowing down, burning out. By the time I got home from college, I had no energy to get up the stairs, so I would come in and immediately sleep on the sofa, every day for about a month.
Easter hit and I just crashed for two weeks. The second I could finally sleep in my own bed, that was all I could do. It was honestly terrifying, but I was so out of it that I could barely even register it.
Things had already started slipping with my home in November 2022, but by then, it was a veritable hoarder house. When I started going back to college, I put as much in place as I could to keep going. Bus instead of walking, I began drinking energy drinks and coffee constantly to keep going, whatever I could to be awake, which was getting harder and harder.
My personal appearance slipped too. I had no energy to shower, so I only did so once a week or two. Had no energy to change clothes most days, so I didn't. When I met with people, I never let them into my home, ever. Always out at a coffee shop or a public place. I continued like this for months, almost a year until around August or September of 2023.
Until one friend forced themselves in and saw how I was living. She was pissed for me. She helped me get everything cleaned up, helped me hire a cleaner so I had one less thing to do and had a clean environment to live in. It worked amazingly and it was super affordable too since she knew the cleaner and explained the situation.
Most importantly, she heard me out about my situation and told me about chronic fatigue syndrome, which a nurse at my GP surgery also agreed with. I started putting things in place to make life easier, switched to doing college from home, and listened to whatever advice my doctors had, which helped me all through 2024.
Other than two other health scares which are now treated and I'm on medication on for the rest of my life, I survived, I adapted and I continued.
I think that person I was back then was ridiculously brave, and I'm grateful I was back then. If I wasn't, things could've been a lot worse. There's a lot of things I could've done better in hindsight, but because of the things I did then, I'm able to manage my condition now, I have things adapted to make my life liveable, and I'm supported now by a loving family.
That person made me who I am today, and I'm thankful. Not many could've survived all of that for so long - I probably couldn't do it now, for obvious reasons.
Things may be hard now, they may be the hardest situations you've ever had to endure and things might feel completely helpless, but you can survive a lot more than you think.
Plus, don't be scared to ask for help from those you care about. It might just be the thing that saves you from the worst of it.
This post was last edited 1 day, 3 hours ago.